The Bowel Braggadocios

Something with greater volatility than Alec Baldwin reaching your voicemail has been fermenting in the pit of my stomach. ChinoTrojan’s gotta uncork the agitation by talking some sh!t.



The humble author of ChinoTrojan.blogspot.com was dealt an incredible internal waste management system, which has brewed bitter jealousy among my cohorts. In fact, I have grown peeved by the incontinence of complaints from hosts and building superintendents that I was responsible for clogging their porcelain privies. Stock a plunger and liberate yourselves from the excremental envy, please. Whenever I heed the constipated claims and gastrointestinal grunts that once a week is no need for alarm, my stomach churns and I immediately turn unsettled because ChinoTrojan always root for Big Brown and wants you to neigh and buck like champion thoroughbreds, day in and day out.



Exerting an earnest push to promote burly bowel movements across America and in the septic systems beyond her borders, ChinoTrojan unabashedly presents: The Bowel Braggadocios – Mine is Bigger than Yours.

Beloved readers, I want you to develop a healthy ego about your regularity as you experience the pleasures of enjoying a robust colon. Akin to producing real change in American politics, this calls for a concerted sweat by the people. It’s no secret that holding it in only makes it worse, so let us all serve as compassionate purging agents by releasing testimonials, dropping genuine advice, and flinging pellets of encouragement here on ChinoTrojan.blogspot.com, and together, we can work to alleviate the bloated strain from waiting for the payoff.

With The Bowel Braggadocios forum, guests can compare their schedule of visits against that of altruistic contributors from all walks of life. No matter where you flush, ChinoTrojan appreciates the diversity of participation, because variety is the spice of life, and spices help us “go.”

To stimulate peristalsis of feedback, I will select and honor “The Bowel Braggadocio of the Month” on the first Monday of each month. I want to set it off proper at each turn of your calendar, since a case of the Mondays is almost as dreadful as a case of the runs—and ChinoTrojan recently triumphed from a weeklong bout with that familiar foe. Who knows? I may just start to hook up a guerdon for earning such distinction…Like stubborn smudges from yesterday's sloppy joe, however, that will inevitably be in your hands.

And so, the next time you’re doing the savage Braveheart revolt at the job and happen to spot a set of shoes in the stall adjacent to yours, acknowledge your fellow colleague, as opposed to carrying out any feeble attempts to buffer the battle cries with a faux cough during the blitzkrieg. Only then will you defeat Longshanks and be on the path to true discovery of why the caged bird sings.

In closing, I dedicate this cathartic web log to:

my Maker,

the , , ,

and the countless publications & periodicals comprising “bathroom material” that chip in to make #2 the #1 part of my day. ChinoTrojan goes once, goes twice, more frequently than vintage Ferraris at RM Auctions. Place a winning bid and be the wind beneath someone’s wings today.

“I have taken off my makeup. Now, let’s see if you can take off yours.” – The Joker, Tim Burton’s Batman (1989)

My name is ChinoTrojan, and I am a Bowel Braggadocio.

Caveat for Participation:
Let’s maintain decorum here. Without vacillation, ChinoTrojan will gladly watch the Coriolis effect pirouette your dingleberry comments down le potty if you don’t exercise the common decency of a courtesy flush prior to submission (ref. “M-V-P!!! M-V-P!!! M-V-P!!! :one:”). Remember: a five second spray covers a 50 sq. ft. room. Keep your finger on the trigger and save a life. Thank you, please go again.

Before I go…

Sharting* sure soils the mood, but winning disperses a warm sensation throughout that leaves you exultant. The Los Angeles Lakers have made prompt disposal of the San Antonio Turds, and it would be refreshing to see irresponsible, urban dog owners following suit. Don’t call it a comeback. We—yes, WE—are en route to our 15th NBA Championship!


*Sharting (verb) = Sh!tting + Farting = When a baker slathers schmear on a kettle-boiled, hearth-baked, pumpernickel air bagel after you ordered it dry. Come again? Squeezing pulp from juicy flatulence.

Here's to your health.